If you’re the kind of person who will do anything it takes to get ahead in life, we have a list of lifehacks for you. They’re not illegal, technically, but they certainly feel like they should be. It’s taking advantage of anything you can, even things that most people wouldn’t think of, to get ahead of it. Heck, there are even some lifehacks here that can help you get away with picking up a street hooker by making sure she’s not an undercover cop.
Or figuring out the best ways to get deals on cars or other major products by buying them off a dead person. Or how to make sure that no one sits in front of you in the cinema, even if it means making more work for the employees, or potentially ruining the experience for people in front of you. For legal reasons, these hacks are just for the entertainment value, and we, at Defused, do not condone their usage.
Even though they’re pretty funny.
When buying something on craigslist, send a bunch of insultingly low offers from burner emails, then send a ‘reasonable’ offer from your real address. They’ll usually accept it.
#2 Flat tire
If you have a flat tire, take a picture of it. Next time you want to bail on an event or just skip work, send the picture to the person you’re bailing on and enjoy your free time.
#3 Burying a body
If you have to bury a body, dig twice as deep and then bury a large dog halfway above it.
#4 Calling in sick
Don’t call into work “sick”. Call in saying you have “family problems”. That’s the end of the discussion.
#5 Street hooker
Make sure a street hooker is not a cop by asking if you can take some nude photos of them. Paying for nude photos isn’t illegal, an undercover cop will say no but a prostitute will probably do it for the cash.
#6 Buying a car
Looking to buy a car? Search the obituaries for phone numbers and call inquiring about a vehicle. They’ll want to liquidate assets and will give you a great price.
#7 Spill some drinks
Spill some of your drink on the seat in front of you at the cinema to prevent anyone from sitting there.
#8 Slow down
Lots of noisy children playing in your street? Post posters around your neighbourhood warning parents that there is a known predator living in your area. The parents will lock their children inside and you can enjoy some peace and quiet.
#9 Major cities
In a major city, where daily parking costs are super high, find an autoshop with an inexpensive tire rotation offer. Take up said offer but say you have some errands to run and “can you come back and pick it up later that day.”
#10 Baby on board
Buy a “baby on board” sign regardless of your parenthood status. If you happen to be in a nasty crash, paramedics and firemen will save you first.
#11 Open box
Buy an item at an electronics store. Open it. Return said item. Check back in a day to see if it’s on the ‘open box’ table. Buy it again, this time for 30% off.
#12 Bible donations
Next time someone gives you/you find one of those fake dollar bills with a bible verse on them, put it in the collection plate at church.
#13 Poor liar
Try to tell a few lies, but do it really poorly. Confess to being a terrible liar. Do this periodically for things that don’t matter. Actual lies go undetected.
#14 Low battery
When recieving a call from someoen you don’t want to talk to but must talk to, tell them at the beginning of the conversation that your phone is about to die. You are then free to hang up whenever you want witout seeming rude.
Say you’ve never orgasmed from oral sex to make your partner try harder.
Would you ever try out these tactics? Tell us down in the comics!